A lot of my friends had a baby within the last year. Seeing tiny fingers and toes. I am excited for all of them. It is just a special moment in their lives. Most of my friends already have a child or more. Looking at the pictures on their facebook page, I’m always amazed by how fast their kids grew up. Time never stops speeding. Seven years ago, I was hanging out with different groups of friends. Now they all are married and having children. Does it bother me to watch my friends get married and raise children? Yes and no.

A friend of mine asked me, “Have you thought about your future children?” Not much. Whenever I think about starting a family or what type of lifestyle, I get discouraged and depressed. Every year seems to become harder. My muscles make everything more difficult. It is harder for people to dress me. It is harder to eat my food. Who would want to put all of the extra burden on their spouse? That question had come across my mind. That is one of the reasons I haven’t been on a date. There are different programs where people like me can get extra help. Another question also popped up, what is the purpose of marriage if I can’t bring happiness and joy to my future wife? Also to my future children?

Another friend gets really discouraged by the thought he’ll ever find a person who wants to date him. Honestly I feel the same way. I am not the most handsome man in the world. I don’t have a lot of knowledge to entertain people. Most women don’t talk to me like any other men. Every lady has her own view of me. While it is true that I am unique and different, however my characteristics don’t meet a lot of women’s expectations. How many people ask someone with a disability out on a date? Probably not many.

We as disability human beings are always proving who we are and what we can do. Our dream of finding the right person and getting married is not hopeless. It is more challenging. If we want it more than anything, we’ll find someone who looks past our disabilities and loves us. There are thousands of people who married a person with a disability. I can imagine a huge majority of them say, “Getting married and having children was worth all of the extra burden.” A lot of my friends would tell me the same thing.

If there is no exam in college, would you still be able to learn as much to live your career? Our college life would be so much easier and fun. Less time for studying and more parties. When it comes to starting our career, we wouldn’t be successful in the long run. That is life. I often think of trials as a test. There are stepping stones in our life that help us to learn and grow. We all have a history. How often do we look back at our past and see how far we have become?

Living in the body of severe cerebral palsy is extremely difficult. Often painful. Having little control over my muscles. Each and every day I wish to be a normal human being. No more waiting to get out of my bed. No more being hopeless sitting at the table. No more coughing and choking everyday. I would be in less pain and less lonely. My family and friends would want to see me live on my own. Be free to do whatever I want. Go anywhere I want. What is the purpose of being trapped in a broken body? What am I supposed to learn?

Before birth, my heart stopped for a reason. I was meant to have cerebral palsy for the rest of my life. I had accepted that fact. Having this disability is what helped me to decide who I want to be and how to live my life. It allows me to think back on my days more often. I have a lot of time to just reflect. What went smoothly? What could have gone worse? How to do things differently? How to be more thankful? I expressed my gratitude for all of the doctors and nurses who were able to get me out of my mom’s womb! I am so grateful that there was a C-Section room and everything was already set up! Luckily my heart didn’t stop minutes or hours earlier. I am thankful that I have cerebral palsy, so I can learn to appreciate the little things in life.

Have you ever wondered about my diet when looking at me? Do you eat or are you on a feeding tube? What can you have? Often people think I don’t eat much because of how skinny I am. Even when I was a baby, doctors talked my parents into putting me on a feeding tube for that same reason. Mom didn’t think that was right. I am grateful that she chose not to listen. Could you imagine watching others eat while being on a liquid diet? I couldn’t sit at the same table. That has to be really difficult. 

When people see me eat, their minds are blown away. Have you heard the phase “second breakfast” from The Lord of the Ring? At night, I always have a second dinner. Growing up, I used to be pretty hungry before going to bed. By morning, my stomach was growling. Finally I talked with my parents about it. They didn’t know. Often my family would be already done before I eat half of dinner. That is why I rarely ask for more food. I don’t want to keep my parents waiting, which is an interesting concept. I have patience to wait between bites, but not eating at a table for over 30 minutes. Especially when people move on to other things. There is always a fine line between keeping me healthy and having people wait for me to get full. If my arms had better coordination, I would be eating more. I probably would be healthier. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found myself eating faster. My parents began cutting food up then put it on the side of my mouth. Tongue is another muscle I have a hard time controlling. Almost every bite I swallow whole. Would you have patience to slide each and every bite over to the sides of your mouth? I rarely chew up my food well, even to this day. That is why I always cough and choke. Trying to move my tongue to certain directions is a workout. Putting food in the sides of my mouth really makes a difference. Besides having my food cut up, I eat like a normal person.

With fall break approaching, my parents wanted to do something. We hadn’t done a big family trip for awhile because of the size of my family. Sitting in the van for hours is hard on my body. Plus dad couldn’t drive all day long anymore. My sister had tickets for Disneyland and was going to join her friends, but her plan fell through. Mom and dad decided to make it a family vacation. I haven’t been to Disneyland for over ten years. A lot has changed since then.  

My first thought was all about getting me out of my chair into the ride then turning around to do the opposite. Multiple times a day. Years ago, I was light weight. Now my parents barely carry me more than five feet. Plus it’s hard on my physical body. There are a few wheelchair accessible rides. I am grateful that they made them accessible! My family likes riding at a fast pace. I can only handle a certain speed. It takes three people to transfer me. With the amount of lifting, my parents and I decided to do just one day instead of three. We made a list of rides to do that day. My big sister knows a lot about disneyland. Where to go and what to do. We wouldn’t have done it without her. 

The first two rides were rough. Barely hold still. We had forgotten that there is no paddling on the seats. I am nothing, but bones. Sitting on any hard surface hurts my body. For the rest of the days, we put my seat cushion and a jacket behind my back when riding. I was able to enjoy the other rides. The one item we should have bought is the hardback seat. Easy to take it around. Through their service, we were able to schedule certain rides. So we didn’t have to check out which ride had the shortest line. They were flexible when we were running late. Plus I was able to take five people with me. Those were so helpful. They let me go to their first aid department for personal business.

I appreciate their efforts of making sure that all people with disabilities are comfortable! Spending a day at Disneyland with my family was one of the highlights of the year!